Mood
I was in a mood today.
Went to the podiatrist because of some pain in my foot. This was the second time I’ve ever been to his office. First time was probably 3 years ago.
One of the staff takes me in back to take x-rays of the affected foot. My foot is bare for x-rays. I have a really funky pinky toe. My grandma had the same pinky toe, my dad had the same pinky toe. I have the pinky toe. It kinda folds over the other toes and it’s very noticeable. Strappy sandals are problematic for me with that toe popping out.
The woman is taking x-rays and there is my weird folded pinky toe staring out. I can’t just stand there being silent taking x-rays of my foot with that toe staring out for Pete’s sake.
Me: “I used to tell people in college I could count change with my feet and they were always like ‘really?!’ They totally believed I could because of my weird toe.”
I made a silly face rolling my eyes, “Of course I can’t count change with my feet! So stupid but it always made people laugh.”
Woman taking x-rays: “I used to take ballet as a kid and I could pick up everything with my feet.”
Me with a very animated face and excited voice because how completely cool is that?: “Really? Can you still pick up everything with your feet?”
Woman taking x-rays: “No.”
Me looking disappointed for her lost skill. “You should practice! If you could do it then, I bet you can do it now. Muscle memory.”
She takes me back to the room and says the Dr. will be in shortly.
Podiatrist comes in: “Been a long time since we saw you.”
Me: “Yeah. Last time I self-diagnosed from the internet that I had a bunion and I DID have a bunion! So I’m hoping it’s not plantar fasciitis because then I’m going to feel really dumb.”
He starts looking at my foot. The x-ray is up in the room and he says, “You do have plantar fasciitis.”
Me: Sighs heavily.
Podiatrist: “And from the x-ray you can see the fasciitis is causing a slight heel bone spur.”
Me sitting up staring at the x-ray, horrified: “What?! A bone spur! What the heck is that going to do as I age? Like what kind of problem is that going to cause?!” My face is … well… My Face and it hides NOTHING. I can see his level of amusement and I’m playing to it.
You guys, I’m working from home and there is NO ONE and I mean NO ONE all day, every day to talk to. I’m mentally struggling.
Podiatrist: “It is small and isn’t causing any issue now. I can give you a cortisol injection for the plantar fasciitis if you like for the pain.”
Me staring at him like he’s grown another head: “Omg, no. I am NOT taking a shot in the bottom of my foot. I’ll just roller it with my frozen water bottle and deal with it.”
He looks down at said foot and touches this bump on the bottom of my foot near my heel.
“Oh yeah! I noticed that bump the other day after the shower when, well, ya know, you sit on the floor with the foot cheese grater thing to shave off all the dead, dried skin and callouses and stuff. Does that mean my gait has changed or something? “
Podiatrist looking amused: “Well, it’s a wart.”
Me: GASP and look of horror (because I told you - I’m in a mood) “A wart?! Gross!”
Podiatrist trying to keep a straight face at the utter ridiculousness of my reaction to a wart: “Well, we’ll put a topical on it that will burn it off. (he’s ignoring my gaping mouth). It will blister.”
Me interrupting: “Blister? Ewww.”
Podiatrist: “You can lance it”
Me: “So gross!”
(this is coming from someone who has absolutely no problem cleaning dog, cat, horse, bird excretions of poop, pee, snot, vomit etc etc of any magnitude or consistency).
“How did I get a wart? I’ve been in jiu jitsu for years on the mats, barefoot with disgustingly sweaty dudes. Sweat everywhere. Barefoot. Never a wart.”
Podiatrist: “I’ll be back in a minute with the topical.”
Podiatrist comes back after a short time. Applies said topical and a clear adhesive to protect it.
Me: “Did you know your assistant could pick up everything with her feet when she was a kid?”
Podiatrist: “No, I didn't know that.”
Me: “Man. She should have led with that in her job interview huh? You would have hired her on the spot. Hired!”
Podiatrist: —
Podiatrist: “The adhesive will fall off in roughly 4 days. And there shouldn’t be a scar.”
Me: “Who cares about a tiny scar on the bottom of their foot?”
Podiatrist: “You would be surprised.”
Me: “Well, my husband isn’t into that kind of thing so I guess I’m safe there.”
Podiatrist looking amused yet avoiding eye contact: “Ok, well, we are all done here and it was good to see you again. You can pay up front.”
Last week I’m farting in the chiropractor’s office and now I’m pretend horrified about a pea sized wart on the bottom of my foot to make the podiatrist think I’m a complete and utter loon (maybe I am) and provide some much needed self-entertainment.